Recovering People Pleaser
Like many others, am a recovering people pleaser, nice girl, allow-er.... When I first learned that this was my pattern in relationships of all kinds, I was taken back…
I couldn't believe it that my whole life, I was playing out this archetype, and it wasn’t my truth.
Where did I learn this behavior?
Where was it that I was taught to say yes to avoid making someone else uncomfortable?
Where did I learn not to speak what was true for me because it may hurt or offend someone else or maybe just make them a tiny bit uncomfortable?
Where did I learn to compromise myself for other people to be more comfortable?
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Many years ago I met my inner people pleaser, while in a dynamic workshop where we had to play out the archetypes of the Nice Girl, Rebel Girl and Authentic Self. I noticed how comfortable I was as the nice girl thinking well, maybe this is just my nature to be nice… I didn’t resonate as much with the rebel girl beyond protecting myself in the many assaults or attacks I have experienced… and YES ! YUM to the authentic self… BUT there’s NO room for me to be authentic in the real world, right?
So, I started to experiment with bringing my authentic self in the real world, into my relationships… And that translation into reality.... well it wasn’t as smooth as I had hoped…
There seemed to be this feeling inside of me whenever I was in relationship or relating with others, that there wasn’t room for my authentic self. That most people wanted to try and fix me, or tell me what I should do, or they spoke right over me or wanted to prove their point as truth or fact, and the louder they got the quieter I became, because there isn’t room for me to speak my truth or my experience.
I have felt this feeling a lot, there is no room for me…. I am personally ready to unravel this story. I think one reason I pour myself into my work is because it is the once place where all of me is welcomed, people want all of me to be there, to support them, to share my insights and guidance… Where in my personal reality, this doesn’t seem to be true…
Over the years I was so driven to find a way to alchemize these stories, feelings and patterns I went on to study the Art of Relating… thinking, if I say my truth differently, if I am different, if I do something different, they will respond differently... And what I learned is yes, there are basic listening and communication skills we all need to have to have a more smooth experience in relating... AND often, both parties need to to cultivate these skill sets...
I tried being different, chasing how I said things, not saying things, doing and being different and it didn’t work. People will take whatever you say, how you say it the way they hear it. I can’t change that, that is the persons responsibility, not mine… I can only share my truth, my heart and speak from that place, and where it goes for someone else, isn’t mine to hold. So in all of this I learned again, on a deeper level, that I am the only one that will speak for me, that will care for me and it is now time, to take yet another step in owning my power, in speaking up and for myself. In sharing the truth of myself, without worrying what you may feel, without worrying if you will love me or still like me… It is time again, to notice where I am giving from - to make sure it is coming from a place of authenticity rather than from my inner people pleaser… I am responsible for myself.
This is Naomi Love, recovering people pleaser... I understand you may not like me, you may not love me... And I am coming to realize, I don't have to DO or BE anything more than the truth of myself ... Being just me is deserving of LOVE... I am coming to the understanding that I do not have to DO stuff to get love. That just because you don't love me or like me doesn't me I am not deserving of love..
TO all the people pleasers in recovery... I hope this made some sense and inspired something! And if not... that's ok too . . . ( I will work on accepting that )
Spirit is asking me to share with the world, that may be difficult conversations to have, difficult topics to talk about and I suppose that may be why I am writing about this part of my experience today, because speaking to difficult things especially via the internet and social media leaves a lot of interpretations and projections and that isn't something a recovering people pleaser like me wants to get involved in! In time.. This is a few steps forward, out of my comfortably uncomfortable cave of people pleasing. Let's see how it goes.. May I unravel this old story so I can be more free to be Me.. And may you also...
Thank you Liv Wheeler - Soul sister for sharing with me - recovering people pleaser - I support you in being the truth of yourself too!! Thank you.
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I will share a video interview when we do our Vimeo station launch in Sept. with Robin on the Wheel of Consent which will shed light on this topic even more so and help us to understand and clarify relationship dynamics on a deeper level, and help us to become more clear in how we play into the different aspects of relating with one another.
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