I’ve been contemplating relationships lately, and how many of our relationships are transactional.
If you do this, then I will love you, if you don’t do this, then I am going to take something away.
True and pure unconditional love, is yes, inclusive to YOU and your sacred needs and it is also inclusive to the ones we share life with, friends, family and beloveds.
I have often found in my life, that most of my relationships, have been more under the transactional love category. I have found this dynamic is becoming more and more clear to me and how I am a participant in that dynamic by emotionally blackmailing myself.
I would bypass my sacred needs, I would skip over speaking them to another, because the story goes, if I do, then someone will take something away. This had been a foundational experience for me, in relating that needs to stop.
Recently, on my 13 day fast where experienced an inability To hold these sacred needs back, i couldn’t not speak then, it would just come out, I didn’t have the capacity to bypass myself, or to hold anything in. AND it was incredible for me to actually be in touch with my needs and to speak them in a kind and clear way, where I was fully taking responsibility for my need and sharing it with another.
Why are we so triggered when someone speaks their needs?
Why is it that we skip over a simple need someone requests, when it may be something we can actually give to another and where we then continue to push our own agenda?
Have you ever noticed this dynamic within your relationships? Where you had a deep need, that you shared, and the other person seems to rebel against giving you that need because they in some way maybe, feel humiliated and the ego, convinces them they are right, and they don’t want to admit that their action was out of alignment?
For me, the Art of Relating is something we are deeply, collectively deficient in.
Relationships in my world, are something that is to be a re-source for the spirit and within relationships there must be clarity in how we communicate, how we treat each other.
We have to teach people how to treat us, so why is it people take our needs so personally, why does speaking a need to someone becomes a threat to them?
Have you been on either side of this? Where you took someones needs personally? Or where, you have spoken a need, and the person you spoke them too, does just the opposite of what you asked, rebels against your need?
We need to start to clarify what is happening within these dynamics with one another.
So I ask you - what are your sacred needs? They are those needs that won’t rest, until they are met.
When in relationship with another, we must make room for them, for their needs, for them to be fully who they are, and be open to feedback on how to treat them.
We can’t all know how to treat each human being on the earth, yes? It’s ok, if you don’t know how to treat someone, and it doesn’t mean you are wrong.
This can then reciprocated, as that is what relationship is about, at least for me, so we on the other side need to make room for someone else to be able to speak their need too. AND YES, we get to choose if we can give them that, as they get to also, feel into if they can give that. And if not, then we can know where this relationship fits or not within our circle.
Transactional love, isn’t a High love, it is a small kind of love, a conditional love. If you do this, then I will love you, if you don’t then I will take something away.
We can see this reflected a lot in parenting, if you do this then, and if you don’t then this is the consequence.
So how can we come to a higher love for both ourselves, and our relationships?
In my experiences of relating, the consequence of speaking my sacred needs has been too high and I have often felt I couldn’t afford to loose whatever it is, so I stayed quiet.
This has to stop, which may mean, people, yeah more people, will fall away because I too, have the right to speak my needs, as we each do. I must stop emotionally blackmailing myself into not speaking up, because the cost is too high.
This isn’t true love.
Could you imagine a world, where we each were clear in ourselves, and able to witness another’s need, and when we can give that need to someone, they could then receive that.
And when we couldn’t, we too could speak that, and then communicate the next steps, where then each person is honored within the relationship?
Where in your life have you been caught in the trap of emotionally blackmailing yourself?
Where have you rebelled consciously or unconsciously against someone speaking their need and giving them that?
Where in your relationships can you bring more clarity, and presence, to speak your needs and also meet someone else, when they speak theirs?
In my work, we are devoted as a school, as practitioners, to not telling each other how it is, rather sharing what is present for us and learning how to witness another while checking in with ourselves to see what comes up for us, while witnessing.
When someone shares a need, it doesn’t need to be a threat, it doesn’t need to be taken as if you did something wrong. It is just as simple, as someone saying what is moving through them, it’s not about you, it’s about them.
How can we show up to meet that, whatever is arising inside while in relationship to the world?