Ancestors

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....DEEP VULNERABILITY.... 

When I was young I was kidnapped a couple of times, both times by my momma, she was young 17 and didn’t know any better. She wasn’t mentally well. She passed me along to lots of other folks down in the bayou’s of Louisiana, Mississippi and Alabama...

 

 

I went missing on and off for a couple of years... coming back to Colorado at six or so to my Dad, who was now married to the evil queen from Snow White. She had two children already and hated me, for I created a division between her and what she wanted, my fathers “money” and her. (My dad didn’t have any money, per say but she was trying to bleed a dry well)

 

When I came home I was wasn’t “well”....

 

Apparently, I had experienced a lot of physical, emotional and sexual abuse and wasn’t well educated due to the moving around so much..... and because my momma wasn’t mentally stable, (she had overdosed on PCP and become a paranoid schizophrenic a manic depressive) she passed me off to people who she hoped could care for me better than she could, unfortunately that wasn’t the case.

 

I can’t really say what happened as my memories are the culmination of others stories, telling me of what happened....

 

I have been told, because my mother was an addict and very abusive, she thought she would kill me so she was sending me home to my dad. Upon returning "home", I felt a deep disparity between me, my “sisters” and “new mom” The step mom didn't like me, she would lock me in the basement of her school and told me children’s hospital had assessed me to be “clinically retarded".

 

Yup.

 

This was my story, the story I was told until I was 15 when Rebel Naomi showed up and asked for my records, which, by the way said nothing to the effect.... BUT what was true is the way I worked was different than the way “normal” people did things...

 

I am, after all these years compelled to share this story because this is the root of why I am so afraid of failing, of speaking, of answering a question, it is because this seed that was planted and watered and nurtured..... there is something wrong with me...

 

Now, let me say, I give thanks for EVERYTHING I have EVER experienced as it has all been my teacher.... AND right now I am doing more specific healing around my ancestry which has me looking back .... where did I come from....

 

I started getting kicked out of my home at a young age of 10, there is so much “story here, I’ll skip it and save it for my memoirs when I am an elder” (stay tuned another 40 years) I came and went from many “homes” for many years ....

long story short, all these years I was told I was retarded... so imagine how you start to organize yourself in relationship to the world with this belief that you have something wrong with you.

 

The bummer is once I found out it wasn’t true, I asked my dad about it and he blamed my “step mom” bummer is, he was no longer with her and still using it to control me and make me wrong....

 

I share this not for oh poor me, rather the older I get the more I see how our past flavors our experiences and how we behave in the present....

 

I am currently deeply immersed in ancestral healing process, realizing how much I have dissociated from not only my past but all of my ancestors.... As I step into this unknown abyss of creating and sharing my work in this new ways hoping it is found, seen and received by those that need it, I have wondered what is it that keeps me in fear... and today it came clear it is this old story of being told - I was retarded. That something was wrong with me, that my mind doesn’t work right or well. I took a sigh after I realized that is the story I have been running from, hoping no one sees.

 

Sharing this story with you is a step in healing the disharmony within myself.... within my family and my ancestors. Now is the time to unwind and unravel this story from my system. I am ready for FREEDOM.

 

Where has your forgotten past influenced your ability to thrive?

 

With Deep Vulnerability, Naomi Love